Thursday, November 03, 2005

Members' Register?

David is very upset. He swears blind that he did enter all those things about those speeches and things in the members register, and is very confused about how none of it was in the members' register - but was instead found by a cleaner scrawled on a toilet door, who blew his cover.

He has calmed down since last night, which is a bonus.

David, I said, 'Leave it. Mandelson came back, it's possible. It's been done. Come on Champ. Chin up.'

Course, it all came out like 'woof woof bark bark growl,' again.

Still. His response was better. (If you remember, yesterday he crossed the road twice on a red light, hung three left turns, switched Ceefax on and had a wank, and all I said was ... never mind.)

This time, he did the hokey-cokey, hit himself over the head with my tin of Bonios (smashing them all, no doubt) and opened a bottle of Madeira.

Nice bottle of Madeira it was too. About two grands worth. Rupert Murdoch gave it to him last Christmas. Shit. Shouldn't have said that.

Gotta run, David needs his slippers.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil ... spot the odd one out ...

? ? ?

Who is not pictured above?

A: Charlie: Hear Apparent
B: Dave: Didn't see nothin', Guv:
C: Tone: I ain't saying nothin' mate:
D: Mr T: I ain't flyin' no plane, fool.

Answers on a postcard please to:

Dave 'the Rave' Blunderingkentt
c/o Kimberley Quinn Tony Blair Sadie
The Spectator Downing Street My flat
London Sheffield

Postman: Please Ask for Sadie

Like I said ...

He's really thunketting about now. Something about a passport. Still in hiding.

I mean, like I said below, I told him all this.

Course, this all came out like 'Woof, woof woof woof, woof woof, woof, woooooof barrk growl woof.'

David's response?

Read on ...

Update ...

Still in cupboard. Will write more when I can. Have laptop and wi-fi but David, in one of his last acts as Prime Minister, has banned wi-fi from Swindon.

Anyway. Scroll down to see what's happened so far, and a message of support from Steven Hawking's cat.

More soon. I promise.

David's Home ...

Rattling of something. Go and hide behind sofa. Not trained for this. Possible media intrusion. Maybe a hit squad of angry pensioners wanting their money back. Or asylum seekers, seeking, er, something. I forget. David did tell me. Or ... who knows?

Maybe the postman. Resist canine urge to bark, eat interior of letterbox and fling canine body against door in a manner that suggests my weight is frighteningly disproportionate to the average weight of one of my breed. I had a mate, Bingo, (poor sod, like you humans he didn't get to choose his name,) little terrier. Met his end hurling himself against the front door, pretending to be a doberman. Reminded me of David, oddly, though I can't fathom why. Knew him from a lamp-post down our way in Swindon. Used to see him in the mornings like, you know, sniff-sniff, dog thing. Round by the newsagents. Actually, it weren't anywhere near the newsagents, it was the best part of a mile round the common. Newsagents is right next door. Still David didn't know.

David blunde - I mean thunders in. I know what's happened, just been watching the news. Switch news off with paw.

This just in ...

I just had a sweet message from Steven Hawkin's cat.

Video ... here ...

Click 'Play Reel' up on the top left. (see * below!)

Or as I say to David, "Bark woof woof bark.' Which isn't really up top on the left, where his share portfolios are, but the biscuit tin. Still, hasn't done him too bad so far.

But we share a common experience. Life with a hard master.

Ho hum.

More later ...

(*! You need Quicktime to view it, apparently. Click here if you don't already have it!)

Nb. This is for Windows XP, not that I use Windows because I don't believe in monopoly capitalism, no matter what Bill and Melinda Gates do for starving helicopter pilots in Arkansas(w) or whatever they do with all their tax-deducted billions. See for other versions ...

What a day ...

Jesus. I mean, first the nanny thing and now this. Like I didn't tell him. I mean, I tried. You know, barking, woofing, that kind of thing. I said, 'David, look. It's, like really not on, this fast-tracking the servants of your married lover through the system like this. You know, you'll get caught, and they won't like it. That and the authoritarian policies which would lock up practically everybody and are so far out there that Michael Howard is embarrassed. But this fingers-in-the-pie thing with a DNA testing firm, after all the trouble you've been through with DNA testing? Jesus, David. Come on.'

Course, this all came out like 'Woof, woof woof woof, woof woof, woof, woooooof barrk growl woof.'

His response? He crossed the road twice on a red light, hung three left turns, switched Ceefax on and had a wank.

He never bloody listens.

Only last weekend ...